The perfect mother myth: why it’s time to let it go
In an era when women are supposed to be, and feel, more liberated than ever before, modern-day motherhood can be unforgivingly perfectionist.
From magazine covers, to advertising, to social media posts, we are bombarded with images of mothers who seem to have it all together. They are always smiling, always happy, always calm and in control.
But while motherhood is often portrayed as a picture-perfect experience, the reality is far from perfect. Motherhood is messy. It's full of challenges, sleepless nights, complex emotions, and moments of doubt.
What is the perfect mother myth?
The “perfect mother myth is the stereotypical image of who the ideal mother is within the society and culture that she is part of.
Imagine a scriptwriter developing the character of ‘perfect mother’ for a film, then a set of rules that she’s expected to follow, and by which she is either celebrated or demonised throughout the film’s plotline.
Sound like fiction? That’s because it is. The perfect mother is not real. She is a fantasy.
And yet, mothers are expected to abide by these mythical rules.
Why the perfect mother myth is toxic
Nobody is perfect, and the myth of the perfect mother is damaging to women everywhere.
Here are just some of the ways that striving for this unrealistic version of motherhood comes at a cost not only for mothers, but also for their families:
The perfect mother myth sets mothers up for failure before they are out of the gate. It’s impossible for any human to meet all the rules and expectations - some of them are even contradictory! E.g. the perfect mother should have a thriving, successful career but she must never put work before her kids.
The perfect mother myth doesn’t allow any room for nuance or ambivalence. The rules are absolutes. She must, she never, she always, she should… But motherhood isn’t black and white, it’s a kaleidoscope of colours and wild patterns.
The perfect mother myth drowns out our own intuition. That voice of wisdom that is deep inside every mother, even if it is but a whisper sometimes. It makes us stop trusting in ourselves.
The perfect mother myth is damaging to women's mental health. When mothers internalise and judge themselves by these impossible standards, they are more likely to feel overwhelmed, like they are failing as a mum, experience feelings of guilt and shame, and are at a higher risk of suffering from anxiety and depression.
For the sake of mothers everywhere, it's time to let go of the myth.
Instead, we need to start celebrating the real-life experiences of mothers - the good, the bad and the ugly.
We need to acknowledge that motherhood is complicated, and that's okay.
We need to support mothers in all their imperfections and struggles, with compassion and without judgement.
We need to stop comparing ourselves to these idealised and impossible standards and start embracing our own unique motherhood experiences.
So, what can we do to let go of the perfect mother myth?
Here are a few suggestions:
Reflect on the perfect mother rules you have experienced so far in your own motherhood; get curious about them. Are there any that are important to you because they truly reflect your own values? If so, this is fine, they are not all bad. But are there any that don’t serve you, and that would allow you to be happier if you let them go?
Be honest about your own experiences. Share your struggles and challenges with other mums. You will likely find that you are not alone in feeling this way.
Try to stop comparing yourself to other mums (I know this is hard!). Remember that everyone's experiences are unique, there is no one right way to be a mother and often, we judge our worse moment based on someone else’s best one.
Celebrate your own successes. Instead of focusing on your failures, focus on the things you are doing well as a mum. Trust me, there are many!
Motherhood is a beautiful and challenging experience.
It's time to let go of the perfect mother myth and embrace the messy, imperfect reality.
It’s time to accept that good, is good enough.
